Thoughts on this snowy day
For some reason today I have been replaying an incident that happened in 2020. It wasn't a horrific one but a moment that I am thankful I have not had since that day.
It was summer, my husband called saying he was on his way home and he knew I was depressed. I had been crying on and off for a while, debating on seeing a Dr about my depression. But on this particular day, I remember so vividly I was angry, upset, and felt like screaming. I had been dealing with something on social media for a few years and it just would not stop no matter what I did.
My husband came home, I was upstairs and just crying so hard. I remember I kept saying "I'm tired of this, I can't anymore". He held me so so tight as I cried and then pulled me away, looked at me and told me I just need to yell out whatever thought I had. There was so many emotions and so much hurt I had been holding on to from what I was experiencing online. I don't even remember what I yelled but I remember I yelled really loud, screamed and every cuss word came pouring out. It felt freeing somehow, and helped tremendously.
I'm writing in my blog because the sound of my voice and just how troubled I was has been ringing in my head all day as I think to that day. It has taken me years to accept what I needed to. I never want to feel like that again and beyond relieved I don't see things that way anymore but dang, I can't stop thinking about how defeated I felt because of another human being.
Often people make comments to me saying they don't understand how I stay positive and it always is hard to hear because it implies that positive minds don't experience pain or trauma the same way others do. That is further from the truth. We do, we really do but for me, I know that no pain, no traumatic event can keep me down for good. I refuse to let it. I'll crawl and scratch my way out of anything and grow, learn and move on. May take me time, but I can't imagine giving someone or something so much power that it turns me bitter, jaded or keeps people out of my life. There is a lesson to learn from every experience and the key is to stay humble while growing strong from it, not allowing it to dull your shine.
I can't ever say I'm perfect or anything, but I'm really proud of how far I have come and finally blocking out what I needed to with the help of everyone I know online, my husband and kids and my Dr's.
As we close to ringing in the New Year (6 hours) I'm grateful to be surrounded by so many who show kindness and love. Thank you for never giving up on me and helping me to push through❤